MOSCOW

MOSCOW

5am is a pretty mysterious and foreboding time to arrive in Moscow, the former capital of the communist universe and current residence of more billionaires than any other city in the world.  As I headed towards my hotel through the dim glow of the breaking dawn, driving through the streets of bleak architecture, revolutionary monuments and Stalin's imposing skyscrapers (see above) whose art deco style appear to have been taken from a Batman comic, all that was missing from my opening montage was a clichéd Russian soundtrack like the ones in the movies any time the scene switches to Russian generals nattering about launch codes and the like in the Kremlin.

One of the Kremlin's 20 towers along its perimeter.  Moscow university, another one of Stalin's skyscrapers in the background.

Unfortunately, my introductory drive through the streets of Moscow didn't culminate in my disembarking in the heart of Red Square, which would have been awesome.  No my hotel, as per normal, was way the hell out in the burbs, which was is a real shame particularly in Moscow as historically the city grew out radially from the Kremlin, the original fortified settlement on the banks of the Moskva river (from which it derives its name) and home to all political, commercial and religious life.  Therefore anything that is worth seeing is pretty much within walking distance of the great fortress, and at least a 25 min walk and 40 min on the subway from my crappy hotel.  The subway at least, was quite a joy to ride, but more on that later.

The Moskva river, with the Kremlin's palaces and cathedrals clearly in view beyond the it's red brick walls.

My first stop was of course the Kremlin and Red Square, home of the Russian president and some of the greatest cock displays of military power up until Kim Jong Il gave up his promising golfing career in North Korea to concentrate on his annual military mardi gras.  So there I was, feeling all James Bond as I was about to enter the heart of the Cold War foe, Red Square where for over 70 years, Lenin, Stalin, Kruschev and their cronies gazed down from the mighty Kremlin walls inspecting thousands high-stepping troops and nuclear warheads ready to wipe out the west at a moment's notice...  For such a mythical reputation in my mind at least, when I finally stepped on to the cobble-stoned pavement, it was all rather... underwhelming.

One bookend of Red Square, the State Historical Museum.

It's actually quite small, maybe only 400m along the face of the Kremlin, bookended by the red-bricked State Historical Museum and of course the twisted lollipop cathedral of St. Basils.  And opposite the Kremlin is a department store...  It's like having the marines march past Macy's or Bloomingdale's.  To further dash my childhood fantasies, there was not an ICBM, a tank, or even a frickin' AK47 to be seen anywhere, and to make matters worse, the whole square was pretty much taken up with temporary grandstand seating ready for a performance of, get this, the Scottish tattoo.  So instead of thousands of marching troops, they were preparing for a baton-twirling marching band.  In skirts.  Totally ruined it for me.

What is this?  A square for pop concerts and cheesy stage shows?  Surely Lenin would be rolling in his grave if he had one...  I tried to instill some respect for history below...

St. Basil's is a pretty impressive sight however, particular considering it recently celebrated it's 450th anniversary.  Incidentally, the name Red Square has nothing to do with the predominantly red bricks surrounding it, nor it's previous communist rulers.  The Russian word "Krasnaya" can actually mean either “red” or "beautiful" and was originally used only to describe St. Basil's; the square adjacent just happened to adopt the same moniker.  

The iconic and "Krasnaya" St. Basil's Cathedral, with the view of Red Square from it's windows below.

St. Basil's was actually built by the original Russian psychopathic sadist ruler from which all the others took their lead, Ivan IV, better known as Ivan the Terrible.  One of history's most tyrannical and cruel figures, his reign actually started out quite promisingly as he finally kicked out the Mongols from Russia after centuries of sub-ordinance, and he built St. Basils in celebration.  He then went a little crazy after his wife died, although when one considers the design of the cathedral, he may well have already lost it much earlier...

I followed the Moskva, down to Gorky Park.  I listened for the wind of change... 

A typically humble and understated tribute to Peter the Great, who did much to Europeanize Russia in the 18th century.  At 94m tall, it's hard to miss, and regularly voted one of the ugliest monuments in the world...

It was he coined the term Czar, which is literally "Caesar" in Russian, and he envisaged an enormous empire rivalling ancient Rome.  He then went about wiping out all signs of resistance within his kingdom through such brutal methods as impaling spikes surrounding the Kremlin walls from where his victims were thrown, and cooking his "enemies" alive in giant frying pans (and yes, he made the oversized culinary equipment specifically for that purpose...)  It was his death, and the subsequent power vacuum and turmoil that it brought about, that led to the eventual election by the nobles of the Romanov family to the throne, who ruled for the next 300 years until Lenin made his mark in 1918.

Church of Christ the Redeemer, which was actually hollowed out and converted to a swimming pool under the anti-religious Stalin...

I decided to move hotels to be closer to the centre of the city, so I found a neat little hostel called Napoleon's to spend the rest of my Moscow sojourn.  The biggest challenge I faced getting there was avoiding being hit by a Bentley or Aston Martin whilst my attention was distracted by countless absolutely stunning and incredibly glamorous women.  They're everywhere, both the women and ludicrously expensive cars.  I tell you; some of these Muscovites took to capitalism pretty quickly... There's supposedly 79 billionaires living here...  I was actually told a story by a French contractor about his experience at trade fairs in the early 90's, where Russian businessman trying to get a foothold in the new commercial environment would attend with a horde of bodyguards in an attempt to ward off the assassinations that were rife amongst the new class of Russian entrepreneurs.  

Thank God for the golden arches, another example of the highly confusing Russian alphabet.

Moscow is now one of the most expensive cities in the world, and its wealth is very conspicuous, with wages some 2-3 times higher than the rest of the country.  A latte typically set me back around $7-8 and I was basically resigned to eating from the Russian McDonald's, called Tepenok, which was fine by me as it was delicious.  Basically pancakes with everything and anything you could imagine.  Chicken pancakes, apple pancakes, salmon, mince, caramel, mince with caramel... all awesome.  Russians love their pancakes, and I felt a special affinity with them in this regard.

Russian men.  Dedicated followers of fashion.

They're a very glamorous bunch in Moscow also, with a great focus on their appearance.  Moreso than the rest of Russia I found, there were just so many stunning Magazine cover type women just walking down the street.  Kind of torture for someone who is retarded with women even in his own language.  This was particularly evident in the nightclubs where I went to experience the famous Moscow nightlife.  Like I mentioned in a previous post, Russian men are still quite, let's say primitive, in their approach to women, so I met a bunch of expats in the club who were no more than an optimistic 5 out of 10, but were with stunning perfect 10's and regularly bragged of their success in Russia.  Bastards.  I don't know how they did it as I couldn't even start a conversation with these mythical sirens, and after hours of vodka shots and being soaked up to my armpits in foam, I went home, wet and miserable.  I hope they all get dumped as soon as these women get their green card...  (An extremely common occurrence I heard...)

Inside the Kremlin...

The hostel I stayed at was actually called Napoleon’s, as was the very house the little general stayed in when he briefly occupied the city back in 1812 in his disastrous campaign.  Moscow, despite being founded over 800 years ago was largely entirely rebuilt following 1812 as over 80% of the city was burnt to the ground by the retreating Russians who left the city undefended.  St. Petersburg was the capital at this time, and it wasn't until 1918 when Lenin moved the capital back to Moscow for strategic and military reasons.  I didn't find any of Boney's initials carved anywhere however.

Kremlin gardens, complete with quaint little icecream stand.  Moscow was ridiculously hot when I was there...

Lenin is of course one of the most famous attractions in Moscow, his body having laid in state since his death in 1924 (against his will mind you...  It was Stalin's idea...)  A little tip for those of you who may be visiting Moscow in the near future, and wish to see one of the 20th century's most influential figures before they give him the burial he had specifically requested; his mausoleum is only open a few days of the week, and it shuts at 1pm.  I of course discovered this information when I was standing at the mausoleum's entrance on my last day in Moscow at 1:03pm.  That's right.  I was 3 minutes late.  Oh well, next time I'm in Moscow I guess, and hey, I'm not bitter at the my two travel companions I met in the hostel who insisted they stop at a shitty souvenir shop just before we got in line.

Another Kremlin cathedral

Lenin having been missed, I headed inside the Kremlin, of which I had absolutely no idea what to expect.  Surprisingly old-fashioned with most of the buildings harking back to imperial Russia, with many grand old buildings, including 4 palaces, and 4 cathedrals.  Moscow has always been the spiritual capital of Russia, so all monarchs were typically coronated within the Kremlin cathedrals, and they had elaborate palaces built even when the capital was technically in St. Petersburg.

The Kremlin holds a few titles, such as the world's largest cannon, and the world's largest bell.  Neither of which have ever been used.  The bell for obvious reasons...

The Kremlin Palace of Congresses, a great concrete and glass bunker that was essentially a giant hall for communist meetings, was about the only modern building on the site, and was rather understated considering it was the centre of all Communist power at one point.  No doubt they must have an elaborate underground labyrinth, and the whole thing opens up to launch the ICBMs, a la the Thunderbirds.  I hope so anyway, that would be awesome.  

The Kremlin Palace of Congresses, the old Communist meeting hall (above) and the very long escalators (below) heading down into the Russian Metro.

 An absolute must-see-and-do in Moscow is riding the subway.  Not to go anywhere in particular, just to ride it for the sake of it.  It must be one of the only cities in the world where it's public transportation is one of the most beautiful of all it's attractions (have you been to New York?  Uggh.  Gross).  One of the few positive reminders of Stalin's rule, he decreed the stations be majestic statements of Communist superiority and craftsmanship, and they are truly works of art.  

With vision, determination, and an unlimited supply of forced labour, anything is possible... the glorious Moscow metro stations.

Sparkling clean, with cavernous halls of marble with dazzling mosaics depicting Russian, Communist in particular, history.  I literally spent 2 hours going in circles on the main Circle line checking out each station, and it was one of the highlights of my time in Moscow.  Sounds lame, but you've got to see these things for yourselves.  And it all costs you less than 50c a ride, anywhere you want to go.

Murals celebrating the Communist history are amazing works of art worth the ride alone.

Alas my hatred for all things related to trains come flooding back as I had one more leg of my Trans-Siberian adventure to go, an overnight journey to St. Petersburg.  Unfortunately the aboveground stations are much less hospitable than the subway, a fact that became particularly noticeable due to the mistaken itinerary given to me by my travel agent.  4hrs later and I was on my way to the world's northernmost large city, and one of the most beautiful, St. Petersburg.

Waiting for trains... As always.